Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.