A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.