I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You Might Also Like
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.