This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.