15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom