I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
That’s fair
relationship goals
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?