I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
There is wisdom there.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.