My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.