My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
this makes me so uncomfortable
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
A sick whale is called an unwhale
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.