Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
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Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
can’t believe I got front row seats