Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
is this store having a stroke wtf
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!