Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.