me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
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I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Room with a view.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out