Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
You Might Also Like
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Google Pay be like:
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Looking at you, Jesus.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Whoa 😂
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.