Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

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Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.


[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe


[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.


stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses


Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.


I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.


my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me


I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.


Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs