I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today