Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
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There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party