You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
termite twitter scares me
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.