You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same