You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
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Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
SF is the wild wild west man
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found my next D&D character name
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now