Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Unexpected Judgment
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Sponch