THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
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i meant to share this earlier
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“What movie?” 🤔
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Finally!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes