coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
You Might Also Like
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky