I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up