My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
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You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Spider-cat: No One Home
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.