Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
You Might Also Like
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
A bold strategy