By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You Might Also Like
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
also my go-to takeaway order
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Many hands make light work
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.