Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”