When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
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I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Cinematography is my passion
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
(2022)
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that