Cinematography is my passion
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Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.