“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
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National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.