Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*