Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
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I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake