Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
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Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Dolls on drugs
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
IT’S-A ME,
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.