Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Netflix and awkward silence?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???