My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!