A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.