me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I have obtained a hat
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise