HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
You Might Also Like
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me recordaron éste meme
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️