I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
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16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married