Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Oh, I bet you would be
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat