I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
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(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.