Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I identify as an antique shop.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*