When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Going to church you guys need anything
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
eating my hot dog hamburger style
me after eating Cheetos
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.