Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
knights of the ikea table
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.