“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
rise and shine we got egg
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?