Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.