Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
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My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.