Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
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MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.