life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
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You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen