My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.