I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.