Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please