Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
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men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
live, laugh, laundry.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.